“Winning is a habit. Unfortunately, so is losing.” – Vince Lombardi
Looking at the date of my my last post hurts. Physically causes sharp pains in my knees and my gut. What started as mild discomfort and loss, translated to headaches and blurry eyes, anxiety driven panic attacks with hyperventilating and rapid heartbeats. It’s like I had decided to test my mettle by putting my palm on a searing hot plate and then decided to do it again and again. Each time I looked at the page it got worse, til I decided I shouldn’t even look at the page. 6 months ago my last post was ironically about excuses. So time goes very quickly by…
It started when I was having knee pains back in March. Here I had set this magnificent goal of running the world only to be brought down low again by my body’s inability to quickly adapt. There was a time when I was ultimately malleable, I could easily bend mentally and physically whichever way the wind blew. Instead, now it takes time for me to adjust and I beat the snot out of myself while I am maneuvering. It took me a month to physically recover, but obviously a little longer for the mental game to catch up.
I finally let myself off of the ropes and started focusing on what was important. Running. Slow, strong, running. Keeping to the pace I have set. Keeping to the distance goal I had in mind. Putting my ego aside because my ego wasn’t getting me out the door, running was. I stopped trying to lose weight because that was a fight I was losing. Stopped pushing myself to cross train with weights or swimming because not getting those things done was sneaking in cheap shots to my bruised self image. I needed to see myself as a winner, so I could get back into the habit of winning. Essentially, I stopped trying to juggle all the skills for this self designed triathlon (Business Building, Body Building, and Running) and focused on the thing that made me feel like a winner – Running.
I have had some wins over the past couple of months. I have been consistently running with a few minor breaks, since the beginning of the year. I started pacing with a great company, Beast Pacing, which has kept me motivated by getting to enter some unique races, meet some inspirational pacers, and run with some awesome runners who know how to take their time in a race and enjoy the view. I have run two marathons this year so far. One marathon was a goal race, a challenging, hilly race with gorgeous views when the downpour and fog would allow. The second marathon I was a last minute pacer, helping one of my best friends overcome her mental trepidation with a recent injury. I started by saying I would run 20 miles and instead ran the whole race.
I am someone who likes to accentuate the positive and focus on moving forward, but I realize that I have not been trusting enough of you, dear reader. Of course I have bad days and bad weeks, but it is resistance that makes us stronger and I now understand that I have been cheating you by skimping on the struggles and doubling up on the dollops of sacchariney sweet fluff. I will attempt to share the down days and the lessons I take away from them a little more. Failure is only an option until it isn’t, until the next day when you decide to get back on the horse and try again. This my next day post. What we had here was a failure to communicate, but this post is my verbal olive branch. Thank you for joining me.